The semester is finally winding down: in the next 7 days I only have 4 hours of class, 500 pages of literature and 100 pages of theory to read, two 600 word essays and a 3000 word essay to write. Yes, I’m being dead serious, both about the amount of work and about the ‘winding down’ part. This, combined with recovering from the quite serious bout of pneumonia I had, explains why I have been absent around here.
On some days I think I should just give up on the entire internet (blogging, tumblr) altogether because all I seem to be doing is writing about why I didn’t post and about me dying dying dying dying dying all the time, but for some reason I’m not quite ready to take that step.
But enough about me, let’s talk about… me! I remember promising that I’d write about the why and the how of returning to my home university. So let’s get that out of the way, faq-style, so my next post can be about something completely different:
Why did you leave in the first place?
This post explains it in more detail, but basically because I was miserable.
What happened then?
I finally got some much needed sleep. Then I left for Berkeley.
So, how was Berkeley?
Even more awesome than I had hoped! I really enjoyed myself, managed to hand in every assignment on time (which had never happened before!) and finally felt like I knew what I was and/or should be doing. I was happy, I felt appreciated, I had great interactions with my classmates and as a result, I did really well. This showed me that I am not an incompetent stupid stupid that stupids, but that me and my home university are just a mismatch.
If you liked it that much, why didn’t you stay at Berkeley?
Because I don’t have 55.000 dollars a year (or at all, I literally have 63 euros right now) to spend, which is the minimum amount of money I’d need to be allowed to attend Berkeley.
Yeah, I know.
But why did you return to your home university, despite knowing it’s a mismatch? Why not drop out?
Partly because I have already invested so much time, effort and money. Partly because I have been offered some practical help. But mostly because in this extremely diploma oriented society, I need that piece of paper to get a job that pays enough to be able to provide for myself in the long run. So basically, I’m fear-motivated at the moment. Which is a nice change from my usual anger motivated self. (file under: unfunny “jokes” I make when I’m uncomfortable)
How are things now?
The workload is still ridiculous and most of the time, I still have no clue what I’m (supposed to be) doing or why. I often still feel very miserable and have no time and/or energy to do much else than study and sleep. I still regularly have dreams in which I dramatically quit, then blow up the PC Hoofthuis, cheered on by everybody who also hates their studies and/or has eyes (read: ugly building is ugly).
In contrast to last year however, I do get work done. Shittily probably, but done. I only cry about 3 times a week and I haven’t cried in class yet. I actually like my classes and I don’t feel like violently choke slamming everybody all the time. Just some people sometimes. So yeah, no magical change and/or happy ending here. And now back to reading I go. *goes back to reading*