Yesterday, I had a mid-term. I was unable to prepare this exam properly due to Reasons (read: sick again as usual) and knew beforehand that I would not pass. Worse even, I would probably not even get a high enough grade to be eligible for the resit and will probably have to take the class again next year, because absurd rules. It would also be my first sit down exam since the one in May 2013 when I walked out of a final. I know.
My “normal” way of dealing with this kind of pressure (or any sit down exam really) is to cry on the floor, yell to my mother over the phone all night, and tell myself, well, awful things. Not productive in any way and tiring to boot. In line with my debittering and my new mantra (and also because I have been and still am working on my exam terror-issues with a Professional Person), I decided to try a different approach: no crying, not floors nor anywhere else, no yelling at mothers, mine or other people’s, just prepare as much as I can and go. If I managed to do that, I’d be an amazing feat and a great success. And I couldn’t tell you why it worked this time, but it did. I didn’t cry, I slept, I studied some in the early morning, went to the exam, was on time, wrote down what I knew, handed it in and that was it.
And even later that day, I only worried a little about this whole situation. So yeah, it seems like I’m slowly but surely improving on the exam terror front. Which, and this might sound strange, at this time is more important than passing this class. I am really hoping that after 24+ years of blind panic before EACH AND EVERY sit down exam, yes, even the ones for which I was wonderfully prepared and for which I ended up getting amazing grades, this will turn out to be the beginning of a healthier way of dealing with, life basically. *breathes out*