With week 8 behind me, time for a study update. So, how are things going? Not so great: I am still struggling with my thesis proposal. Yes, I know: it’s almost November, the proposal is not done yet and my thesis deadline is at the end of January. I have rewritten this damn thing so many times that I don’t even know what my point is anymore and I really wish I had just chosen something completely different. No clue what, but something completely different.
On top of that, I did not manage to do one of the two exams I had to do earlier this week. I wasn’t feeling too well health wise, didn’t sleep too well, started worrying, managed to queeze out one exam, and was unable to do exam #2 the next day as I was sick as hell. Same shit every year in the first semester and I’m tired of it.
For those thinking “Well, just stay healthy and stop worrying!”: Wow, that’s a novel idea, thanks! I’ll let you know when I figure out how to transplant the immune system of one of those 20-year-olds smoking in front of the university building – I have to fight myself through a group of them every time I want to get to class. They apparently have health to spare or something. No, I’m not bitter, I’m angry, that’s something completely different.
Not having passed this exam means that I’ll have to do the resit. Which is going to be in the 2nd week of December, the same week in which I already have two other exams… Oh, and did I mention I still have to write a thesis at some point, while having no clue anymore what I’m going to write about?
All of this combined makes me want to quit even harder than I want to quit on a daily basis, mostly because I have no clue 1) how to pass this semester and 2) what to do if I don’t pass this semester. Sure, I want/need this degree (or something, I’m not even sure if this is true and if so, why), but I just physically and mentally cannot do this for one more year. I’ve been miserable since week 2 of my studies: that was 4 years ago. I just don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t graduate at the end of this semester. And yes, that feels about as ominous as it sounds. This Wednesday, I’ll go and have a talk with the study advisor again and see if she has anything useful to say. To be continued. For now.