Your friend LP

It's been real! 2011 – 2016

Month: October, 2015

Post-week 8 study update

With week 8 behind me, time for a study update. So, how are things going? Not so great: I am still struggling with my thesis proposal. Yes, I know: it’s almost November, the proposal is not done yet and my thesis deadline is at the end of January. I have rewritten this damn thing so many times that I don’t even know what my point is anymore and I really wish I had just chosen something completely different. No clue what, but something completely different.

On top of that, I did not manage to do one of the two exams I had to do earlier this week. I wasn’t feeling too well health wise, didn’t sleep too well, started worrying, managed to queeze out one exam, and was unable to do exam #2 the next day as I was sick as hell. Same shit every year in the first semester and I’m tired of it.

For those thinking “Well, just stay healthy and stop worrying!”: Wow, that’s a novel idea, thanks! I’ll let you know when I figure out how to transplant the immune system of one of those 20-year-olds smoking in front of the university building – I have to fight myself through a group of them every time I want to get to class. They apparently have health to spare or something. No, I’m not bitter, I’m angry, that’s something completely different.

Not having passed this exam means that I’ll have to do the resit. Which is going to be in the 2nd week of December, the same week in which I already have two other exams… Oh, and did I mention I still have to write a thesis at some point, while having no clue anymore what I’m going to write about?

All of this combined makes me want to quit even harder than I want to quit on a daily basis, mostly because I have no clue 1) how to pass this semester and 2) what to do if I don’t pass this semester. Sure, I want/need this degree (or something, I’m not even sure if this is true and if so, why), but I just physically and mentally cannot do this for one more year. I’ve been miserable since week 2 of my studies: that was 4 years ago. I just don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t graduate at the end of this semester. And yes, that feels about as ominous as it sounds. This Wednesday, I’ll go and have a talk with the study advisor again and see if she has anything useful to say. To be continued. For now.

Unfinished Sympathy

As I am barely holding it together with two of the worst exams of my ~academic career~ coming up tomorrow and Wednesday, here’s a video of one of my favorite songs & videos ever:

Protip: if you have time (or are procrastinating), look up the street where she walks on (wiki is your friend), go to google maps and do the walk yourself while listening to the song. It’s oddly calming.

“I thought it said ‘university’ on the door?”

Back in prehistoric times, I studied philosophy at the same university I’m studying English at right now. I still vividly remember the day I walked out to never return. It was during a logic class where nobody was paying attention. The frustrated teacher wrote a formula on the blackboard:

If A = yes
If B = yes
A = B

If A = no
If B = yes
A ≠ B

Or something similar-ish. Next to me, a girl who kept introducing herself to everybody as “I’m a model, so you now think I’m stupid but I’m not!”, raised her hand and said: “I don’t understand. You keep saying “is not” while you write down that weird symbol.” The teacher then proceeded to try and explain to her that the sign for “is” with a strikethrough meant “is not”. To no avail.

Then, semi-simultaneously, this piece of shit excuse for a human being dude behind me said to his friend: “Being a pilot, I’ve fucked a lot of hot chicks, but since I also study philosophy I get to bang even hotter ones!” BAM. I was of course having other issues both related and unrelated to my studies, but this was the final straw: when the class was over, I walked out of the building and didn’t return for 15 years.

I was recently reminded of this incident during one of the classes I am taking right now: nobody is paying attention, everybody is on Facebook, people talk amongst themselves, our teacher is frustrated to the point of kicking people out and there’s even somebody doing the “I don’t understand”-dance. So basically, it’s this video:

The only difference being that the person in our class doing the “I don’t understand”-dance IS paying attention: they are apparently just utterly and completely incapable of abstract thought. Which is both sad for them, because they really do try, and terrifying, in that they’ve managed to get to the final year of their university BA without abstract thinking skills.

As you can imagine, this class is unbelievably exhausting: after these two hours, I am just done for the day. To be honest, I am quite impressed with myself that I haven’t gone “Fuck this shit!” yet and walked out. Anyway, it’s just one more class with this poor teacher, then the exams and then 7 more weeks with another teacher and hopefully less abstract material. Wish me luck!

Facebook

There’s so many reasons I’ve never wanted a Facebook: the fact that it basically started out as a Nice Guy™ initiative for checking out “available chicks”, the “closing off” of a huge chunk of the internet, which to me goes against that the internet should be about, the real names policy, which is annoying at best and actually dangerous at worst, the complete lack of security, the whole “like” culture which has stifled most communications on blogs, the “friend collecting” culture, the “my life is awesomer than yours!” culture, the peer pressure to join, etcetera. There’s actually nothing about Facebook I like.

As I have mentioned on this blog before, I have lived a detoured life. On top of that, I have a unique IRL name. I have a hard enough time keeping up with my own life, let alone with the lives of the people around me: I literally don’t have the time or energy to keep up with the minutiae of the lives of the hundreds of people I have met throughout my various careers, schools and other activities. And honestly, even if I did have the time: I don’t want to. It sounds mean to say that I don’t care, but it’s the truth: I don’t.

The vast majority of them are lovely people and I hope they’re all happy and well, but we’re not in each other’s lives anymore. So I don’t really care about their mother-in-law, what they ate this morning or their opinions about the current refugee crisis. And I honestly can’t be convinced that all people with hundreds of Facebook friends really DO care and/or are interested in each and every one of them.

I think this is what I hate most about Facebook and social media in general: it has made it impossible to just move on, to lose touch with each other in an organic way. Now you’re “stuck” with each other forever until you actually unfriend them — which often seems too harsh an action towards somebody who actually never was your friend to begin with.

All of this wouldn’t bother me as much if I had the option to stay off Facebook forever, but unfortunately I last week I HAD to open a Facebook account because of my (awesome!) internship. I even gave them my trufax IRL name. After which Facebook proceeded to tell me that I apparently don’t know how to spell said trufax IRL name… I am not going to use it other than as an inlog to post on a community page, I am not going to add anyone and as soon as I am done interning, I’ll delete it. But still, it bothers me.

It made me think about the cost of things, and how much I want or even need to compromise for my ~career~*. I have written before about me quitting going to places where people drink a lot. But what if this is the way people interact in my chosen future profession? What if I can’t afford to NOT to hang out at networking places with the booze and the bla? Should I maybe start drinking myself as well?

People say that having a career, especially in this field, is “a matter of wanting it bad enough”. Is it? And if so, do I want it enough? How far am I willing to compromise? Does anyone reading have any experiences, opinions and/or tips they’re willing to share? Because yup, that’s how my brain works: other people just open a damn Facebook and continue with their day, I start generating existential questions. And on to my Philosophy of Science homework I go!

* Just to make sure: in a world in which people have to mine uranium to survive, having a Facebook account I don’t want isn’t that big of a deal, I am well aware of that.